I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Let's get the cat blown out
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
