He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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