I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
