I just threw up on my dentist
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
