I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Enjoy the penises
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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