meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
