sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
