Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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