He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
