Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
