Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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