Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
