I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
