so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
