I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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