alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
