I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
