DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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