I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
