i can't believe i had my finger in that
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
