Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
