there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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