grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
