did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
