you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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