You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
