i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
