Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
