You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
