id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
