3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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