So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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