Moan for me like Helen Keller
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
