People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
