My room smells like vodka and shame
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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