nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
40s are totally the cure
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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