she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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