oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
