sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
