Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am puke
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
