Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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