I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
