I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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