For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He has the fingertips of a God
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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