I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
