his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
