just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
