I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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