woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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