Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My vagina is very pro this idea
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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