So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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