I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
