You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
