Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
