I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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