I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.