she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better