i think my tv is drunk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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