After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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