My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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