During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
