if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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