One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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