just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
