I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
