lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
